Andy Lee
I was having sleepless nights and I’d wake up dreading going into the office. I wasn’t hitting my sales targets and my director was putting pressure on me to produce. The half an hour walk into the city was a gloomy one, even if it was a beautifully fresh day and the sun was glistening through the morning clouds and reflecting off the skyscraper windows. Even though I was dressed ready for success in my stylish power suit, I felt anything but. Only six months ago I was desperately looking for work, and thought I’d struck gold landing this role, and an amazing answer to prayer. The gratitude and thankfulness I felt at the time seemed like a distant memory now compared to my current feelings of worry. I was stressed. I was stuck. And I was eventually made redundant. I was told at lunchtime and sent home, without the requirement to work my notice. I mean, would I really be putting in any kind of concerted effort knowing that it wouldn’t make any difference to my job status? I remember telling my wife on the phone as I walked back to our apartment, feeling pretty downhearted and despondent.
Although it clearly didn’t end the way I had hoped, I am now very thankful for the whole experience. I recognised in myself that whilst I didn’t meet the expectations of the role, I did the best I could with what I had at the time. I’m a highly competitive person, so please don’t misinterpret that sentence as me settling for the outcome. I was most definitely not happy with the outcome.
I actually called the director back that very afternoon and offered to work my week’s notice – to come into the office to tie up all loose ends, which included handing over projects, speaking to clients and generally making it as easy as possible for the business to continue after I’m gone. He was blown away by my reaction. From his perspective I owed the company nothing, and evidently from his reaction not many people had done what I did. I left on good terms, and would be comfortable today reaching out to him for a coffee and a catch up. I guess that’s called not burning your bridges. I think there’s something else that made this possible.
The one key factor that enabled me to respond the way I did, is ownership. I claimed ownership of my choices and my involvement in the end result. I acknowledged my participation in the outcome. I owned my thoughts, my feelings and my behaviour. From the way I responded to the tasks being asked of me, to the way I reacted to feedback from my director. The alternative was to point outwards; at the unfair manager, unattainable targets, lack of support and whatever else that basically wasn’t to do with me. I would’ve been filled with bitterness, anger and resentment at the company that fired me. I would’ve blamed him, her, and them. I would’ve learned very little about myself, and concluded that it was the company’s fault the whole time and that I was the victim.
I know what it’s like to feel pressure, and to have gone through stressful situations. But I don’t blame the situation. I choose not to look outward, but to look in and also to look up. Looking outward places the responsibility on the stuff that’s going on out there that ultimately we have no control over. We may think we do, but it’s an illusion. “If my boss didn’t talk to me like that, then I’d work a lot happier”, “If she just stopped bothering me with her requests”, “If my husband just stopped nagging”, “If the targets weren’t so hard”, “If I had a sturdier desk”, “If you paid me more”. If this then that. As if your behaviour is automatically linked to an external condition. I’m afraid it’s not. It’s all you. Your response is a choice. If this doesn’t sit well with you, if you’re starting to stir with feelings of discomfort and uneasiness, what’s that telling you about yourself?
Most of the choices we make are at the unconscious level. We think we feel first. But we actually don’t. We think first, then we feel based on what we think. It’s just that it happens so quickly that we consciously do not register what happened.
When we look inwards, we begin to acknowledge the freedom of choice we’ve been blessed with. And we begin to claim back our sense of empowerment. You made various choices to get to where you are now whether it’s your job status, or relationship, or anything else. If you trace your steps back far enough, you’ll get back to the very start where you filled in the initial application, or plucked up the courage to ask the other person out, or started some chain of events that’s led you to your current set of circumstances.
Lastly, I look up. I ask God for wisdom and a fresh perspective. I ask Him to reveal to me the hidden thoughts within me, and for them to be made known to me more consciously. Understanding oneself and becoming more self-aware is one of the most valuable skills you can develop to reach your potential and fulfil your purpose.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!” – Psalm 139:23