Chinese Christian Herald Crusades UK

青年園地︰Saying Yes When you Really Mean No

Andy Lee

 

 

“No I don’t want to eat that”, “No I don’t want to share my toys”, “No I don’ want to go to bed!!!”. But as responsible parents it would be irresponsible of us to let our children do whatever they wanted, or not wanted as the case may be. If they don’t eat, they’ll starve. If they don’t go to school, they can’t learn. These examples from childhood, amongst other factors, condition us to say yes much more than we’d like.

 

 

Too many yes’s without the no is a problem. It’s a problem because it can cause burnout and exhaustion. Or bitterness and resentment. We’re pulled from pillar to post, stretching ourselves in too many directions. It always starts off with a joyful heart, but without the confidence to act on our boundaries, and the self-awareness to accurately understand our limits, our joy can turn sour.

 

 

Are you juggling plates in the metaphorical sense? Are things getting on top of you? Do you feel overcommitted? If your answer is yes to any of these, then read on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Driven from my own experience, I’ve learnt ways to avoid being in that situation again. There are several reasons behind our saying yes, and while knowing the reason behind this isn’t necessarily going to change our response, it does provide useful insight and help raise our own self-awareness:

 

 

1. We want to be accepted – We are overly concerned about what others think of us. If we say yes, then we’re helpful. If we say no, then we’re selfish. So our decisions are heavily influenced by a need for acceptance and a desire to please. Needless to say this is an unhealthy approach to the way we make decisions. Instead of being able to identify the more objective factors involved, we feel pressured to make the person happy.

 

 

2. FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) – I only learned this acronym in the last year, but it was first identified in 1996 by Dr. Dan Herman, a marketing strategist. It’s to do with wanting to stay connected with what others are doing. We are scared of missing out on the opportunity so we try to fit as much in as possible and live a really full life. The problem with that is that it isn’t necessarily a very fulfilling life, so you’re filing your schedule up with as much as you can, only to find that you’re going to bed wondering if this is all there is…

 

 

If you’re in the fortunate position to even consider saying no, then be grateful! You’re in a good place! It is better to have an opportunity that you can say no to than to not have the opportunity at all! Let me tell you it’s a good problem to have. But if it is a problem, then here are three ways to stay balanced with all the opportunities that come your way:

 

 

1. Recognise the origin – We often say yes to people because of who they are and not what the request is. However, it’s important to note the distinct difference between the actual request and the person making the request. They are not the same thing. You can say no to the request and yes to the person. Their reaction to your no is their responsibility – you are not responsible for making them happy. Any pressure you feel to say yes is an issue of boundaries and perspective. Ask yourself if you are allowing yourself to be controlled by the other person’s feelings, and if you are, then seek advice or coaching to understand more about yourself.

 

 

2. Saying yes also means saying no – Know that if you say yes to something you’re also saying no to something else. Think carefully not only about what you gain by saying yes, but also what you might lose as a result. This isn’t about wondering if something better will come along and whether you should hold out for that, it’s about priorities and figuring out what’s most important for you right now.

 

 

3. Take your time – In so far as you are able, acknowledge the request and take time to answer. Be sure to set clear expectations though and let the other person know when you intend to respond, as this will avoid giving the impression that you’re flaky. Own what you decide and respect the other person enough to get back to them.

 

 

Having said all that, there is one person that we can always trust to say yes to. The One that always has our best interests at heart, the One that always wants the best for us, so in Him, for Him, and to Him we can always say yes!

 

 

“Do not be afraid of what God asks of you! It is worth saying yes to God. In Him we find joy!” Pope Francis