Andy Lee
Even though I’m now fortunate enough to choose who I get to work with, this wasn’t always the case. Earlier on in my career I worked in a team where most of the time, the mood was negative. Negative people are energy sappers and have a way of sucking the smile and joy out of the room. It’s a glass half empty atmosphere, with big doses of whining and complaining thrown in, the focus is nearly always on why things are not working or why things are not the way they’re supposed to be.
They’ll complain that they have come to work, and as soon as they’re through the door they moan about the traffic and at the same time whinge about the bad weather that’s caused it. They make a point (but really it’s complaining) about how it’s not their fault they’re one minute late, and proceed to question the fairness of the policy. You’ll hear them huff and puff, cursing under their breath over a stupid mail they just received from a stupid customer. They’ll complain about the system, their boss, their colleagues, and their situation. They poo poo on everything. Nobody enjoys being around people that have such a negative outlook. There’s nothing to gain from it. Jim Rohn said “We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with”. If that’s true then we should run a mile from people like this. Fast.
I have met and worked with many people, including people as described above. Unfortunately, there will have been times when I have been like this too. So in the spirit of ‘treat others how you would like to be treated’, I have to ask myself “How would I feel if people left and ran away from me when I’m having a bad moment?” Of course there’s a spectrum. To illustrate let’s lay out a couple of simple categories and the possible actions associated with each.
• Mutually Un-beneficial Relationships
To my surprise un-beneficial isn’t a word, but it makes my point so I’m keeping it. If the relationship is such that both parties receive no benefit, then maybe it’s time to let it go so you can make space for new relationships to form and blossom. In the case of negative people, if you or other people close to you are noticing the negative influences that spending time with other negative people are having on you, that’s a red flag. It’s a sign for you to really consider what you gain out of the time you spend together. Maybe you want to be there for them and help them through their trials or unhealthy lifestyle. But beware that you are not stepping too closely into their world, because there is a real risk of you becoming more like the very person you’re trying to help. If you have not yet developed the emotional maturity or possess the resilience to help others without yourself getting dragged in, then step away and love from a distance.
• Mutually Beneficial Relationships
Remember that the context is negative people and how they can help you grow, so I’m not talking about the obvious examples like best friends, happy marriages, and inspired teams. This is about negative people, and what to do with them. You may have heard or read advice like “Get rid of all the negative people in your life and only surround yourself with people who support and encourage you in your goals and dreams”. While that might sound like a lovely idea, removing people from your life because they aren’t always smiling and bouncing with joy will probably mean that you have to go and permanently live in a cave. The benefit that comes from living with negative people is that you’re learning to live with negative people. And as you learn to live with, work with, and get along with negative people you’re developing and growing in so many ways, including emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and resilience. The differences in personality traits and outlook on life will refine your own beliefs and thinking. Coming alongside people who are different from you and who you find challenging and difficult gives you problems to solve. In other words – you’re getting opportunities to grow.