Andy Lee
There is a verse in the bible that says: “In Christ’s family there can be no division into Jew and non-Jew, slave and free, male and female. Among us you are all equal. That is, we are all in a common relationship with Jesus Christ.”
My assertion is that whether you are a Christian or not, the vast majority of the civilised world believes in equality. If we believe we are created equal and that we each possess as much innate value as the next person, it would help each of us to see and treat each other with acceptance, dignity and respect.
However, there is a largely subconscious habit that many of us are guilty of. It’s very subtle and yet has a deep effect on all our relationships, from colleagues to friends, partners and family.
“He’s having a difficult time as it is, having just been through a cancer scare, and his partner leaving him in the process. Plus he’s got hearing problems. You just have to feel sorry for him really”. What can you pick up from the tone of that sentence, and what insight does it give you about the person saying it?
Similar examples of this way of thinking are, “Leave her alone, she’s too old for me to say anything”, “He can’t help it”, “She’s just young and inexperienced”, “He’s a sensitive person, I’m not sure he’ll be able to take it”, “She’s in a wheelchair”. Can you notice a common thread connecting these statements together? These statements, if we were the ones saying them, reveal where we perceive ourselves in relation to the other person. This in turn determines how we behave towards that person. Our behaviour and our actions stem from the way we perceive our relationships within the context of authority and status.
So imagine that you want to help someone out who is in need. They’re struggling with something and you know you can help if you can bridge the gap of communication. However, you’re worried about how they might take it. It’s a delicate topic and you wouldn’t want them to be worse off after talking to you than before. And yet at the same time you do want to get your message across.
This is where feeling sorry for them doesn’t help. Here’s why:
Firstly you have a sense of superiority over the other person.
As you contemplate the idea of having a difficult conversation, you’ll be weighing up numerous factors in your head. One of these factors will be to do with how we measure authority and status. When thoughts akin to “Poor her” and similar ones to the above pop into your head, it could be that you perceive yourself to be of higher status or authority than the other person. When you perceive the relationship in this way, it is imbalanced. As I mentioned earlier, this isn’t all that easy to spot. The reason for that is because it’s not necessarily a characteristic that fits with a particular personality type or mould of person. There is as much chance of it occurring in a shy, gentle and selfless charity worker as there is in a high flying, bold and brash corporate bigwig. You really do have to pay close attention to your thoughts to identify this in yourself.
Secondly, you’re not seeing the best in them
When the way you perceive the relationship isn’t one of equality, it is difficult for you to see them as the best version of themselves and thus treat them as such. It means that you’re more concerned about their welfare from their point of view instead of seeing them the way they could be when they’re at their very best. This perspective affects the nature of your influence and in effect reduces it. It shifts your focus from coming up with creative and powerful ways to be an assertive influence, to trying hard not to offend, upset, or hurt them with what you say. We tone down our message, and I don’t mean to imply that we must be direct and blunt in contrast because that would be insensitive, but I mean our overall message is diluted. We may end up being so subtle and indirect that the message never gets heard at all. The result is that you’re not being a strong enough influence on them. And they may need you to be.
So to communicate clearly, lovingly and directly to your loved ones when they’re in need of clarity in difficult situations, don’t feel sorry for them. But instead, see them at their best.