Andy Lee
As a Christian the most important relationship in my life is with God. For me it is the foundation for everything, including who I am and what I live for.
With that said, I appreciate that not all who read this share the same belief so if that’s currently true for you, then the title of this article should read “Your Most Important Relationship”.
Either way, the relationship I am referring to might not be what you think. It doesn’t matter if you’re single, married, have a best friend, have siblings, or children. None of those relationships are as important as the one I want to talk about here. Your relationship with yourself.
Regardless of belief system, we all try to live to successful lives and make the most of the time we have been given. This means trying to be the best version of you in every area of your life and performing at peak potential, whatever that may look like.
Your relationship with yourself is a critical factor in reaching your potential.
The person you talk to the most with in your life is yourself. You’re pretty much in dialogue with yourself every waking moment.
So how you talk to yourself is a strong indicator of how much you accept and value yourself as person. This influences you more than any other external voice, whether that’s your partner, manager or parent. However, that doesn’t mean that what others say to you doesn’t matter. It actually matters a lot, but only in so far as you let it. Your current relationship with yourself has been shaped by your relationship with others, the way others have treated you. You’ll also have unconsciously been modelling the way those closest around you relate with themselves.
For example, if you spend a lot of time with people who are generally very hard on themselves, constantly self-criticising and berating themselves for falling short of their own high standards, you’ll likely be picking this up on an unconscious level and soon acting in a similar way. Conversely, hanging around people who authentically know their strengths and weaknesses, are comfortable in their own skin, and appreciate their own intrinsic value will produce different attitudes and behaviours. These then will have a much more positive influence on your own self-talk.
Your relationship with yourself is crucial to self-development and growth. It’s about healthy self-love, self-care and self-compassion.
Most of us understand the importance of physical exercise to keep our bodies healthy, but what about exercising our brain? Unless we focus on nurturing it, you’re opening up the opportunity for your mind to be taken over by your unconscious emotional tendencies. Here’s a little 2 minute exercise you can do to get each day off to a great start.
1. Look at yourself in the mirror (maybe while brushing your teeth?), spend one minute completing the following sentence, using only positive, unconditional praise (positive things about who you are, not what you do): “I like me because…”
2. Remember, this a list of who you are which is related to your self-esteem, and not what you do in terms of your achievements or
qualifications, which is related to your self-confidence. Examples are, “I am honest”, “I am kind”, “I am polite”, “I am considerate”, “I am worthy”, “I am loved”, “I am enough”.
As you say these things to yourself about yourself, be aware of your emotions and how easily you can say these things out loud. If you experience some resistance when praising yourself in this way, that is a reflection of how you value yourself.
It’s important you capture these little blocks so you can reflect on what you can do to improve your self-love. Adopt an attitude of curiosity and acceptance.
Lastly, I want to touch on the “Selfish Trap.” A lot of us are raised to see practically anything to do with taking care of ourselves as bad and specifically, selfish. Yes, being overly self-centered is problematic for relationships, and ultimately destructive. But we have influenced to falsely believe that everything for ourselves is an indulgence and a luxury.
Many of the things we see as extras are actually beneficial for our own growth. Taking some ‘me’ time to do what we enjoy doing purely because we enjoy it is a good thing. As with most things in life, it’s about balance.